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It’s nearly summer here in Dallas, and by now most of the trees have exchanged their frilly blossoms for brilliant green leaves. As I was driving around my neighborhood on a recent afternoon just after a rainstorm had baptized everything yet again, I found myself wondering at the fluorescent quality of the natural color around me and questioning whether or not it might all actually glow in the dark. It’s that bright. I love the flowers of spring, but the strength of summer’s new growth will nearly blind you with its brilliance.

A long time has passed since the last entry in this blog. There are several reasons for that – some are practical, others personal. For the most part I’ve told myself the reason was that my graduate courses became all-encompassing. The truth is, though, that when my internal life becomes more complicated, my ability to communicate my thoughts and feelings reduces down to nothing. I know that there are people who use their blog as a constant confessional, but that is not something that I’m comfortable with. My personality type retreats in the face of strong emotion – I wasn’t born with a natural ability to express it. So when I have days, weeks or months in which my heart is wrestling, I go silent here on this page. I don’t know if this is the first entry of many or if I’ll retreat for a while longer, but tonight I finally felt the familiar pull to write.

So here I am, writing haltingly because I’m out of practice. Writing without any structure because forcing it wouldn’t feel authentic right now. But writing also because I have renewed life springing up in me, like those crazy vibrant trees lining the streets outside my apartment, and that should always be shared. I think sometimes my tendency toward stoicism comes across as confidence. I wish I could change that, because if I could find a way to express what a work in progress I really am, then maybe I could show the sheer scale of His grace and love more clearly too. The crazy-wonderful truth I am holding onto tonight is that whatever comes of this time of inner struggle will be beautiful. God’s creation bursting with new life is a daily reminder of just how lovely the works of His hands really are. I will never really understand how He can love me so deeply, but I can’t doubt that He does. The evidence is everywhere around me. Tonight, that is far more than enough.

Psalm 8

Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!

You have set your glory in the heavens.
Through the praise of children and infants you have established a stronghold against your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger.
When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?

You have made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor.

You made them rulers over the works of your hands; you put everything under their  feet:all flocks and herds, and the animals of the wild, the birds in the sky, and the fish in the sea, all that swim the paths of the seas.

Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!